Folks, I’m worried. There is a dangerous scepter on the horizon, which unchecked could be the biggest danger to rock ‘n roll since Scott Stapp. So bad is this scourge that speaking the name makes my buttcheeks squeeze tight. Yes, you’ve probably guessed it by now, I’m talking about The Jonas Brothers! (SQUEEZE!)
Until recently, I’ve had the great pleasure of having never seen any of these guys or heard their music. My ignorance sweet, but shortlasting, my musical palette has forever been tainted by America’s newest, most favoritist boy-band. (Is boy band hyphenated? The word shouldn’t exist.)
There is a loop at my work that plays their music video “Look Me In the Eyes,” often enough to make me so unhinged that I feel the need to rant about it here…on my longboarding blog!
Allow me to quote Wikipedia:
“The Jonas Brothers are an American pop-rock band from Wyckoff, New Jersey made up of three brothers: Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas…throughout 2005, the Jonas Brothers went on several tours, including Kelly Clarkson, Jesse McCartney, the Backstreet Boys, and The Click Five. They spent the latter portion of the year on an anti-drug tour with Aly & AJ and”
The “and,” is followed by the words, “The Cheetah Girls!” AAAARGH!
So that’s kinda who these guys are, I could get more detailed by saying that the main attraction, youngest Jonas Nick, cut his chops on Broadway. I think that having been on Broadway at any age is a hell of an accomplishment, but it certainly doesn’t qualify you to be a rock ‘n roll star! In addition to having been on Broadway Nick’s first album was…you guessed it…Christian rock! “Calling all children of the 80’s, we’ve got a Stryper situation!”
So, it was one thing when this Nick Jonas was acting on Broadway, and I wouldn’t have a problem with his parent’s packaging his two obviously less-talented brothers with him and getting him onto the Disney Channel, touring with Miley Cyrus, if it stopped there. But no! Now, these Jonas parents (imagine the worst stage-parent possible and multiply by a million) have sold children across the USA their sons as rock stars!
The video, “Look Me In the Eye,” is the classic rock montage of live concerts mixed with backstage and tour-bus-type footage. About 3 seconds in, the rock ‘n roll cliched stage moves begin. The lead singer jumps around like David Lee Roth, dancing with the mic-stand as if he were Axl Rose or Steven Tyler. The guitarists one-legging across the stage pretending to be Angus Young, later spinning and spread-leg in a shameless Jimmy Page mockery! The culmination of the disgraceful concert footage is the lead guitar and singer, leaning back-to-back, a carbon-copy of the famous Jeff Ament/Eddie Vedder poster.
Obviously, these kids were put through rock ‘n roll school and packaged together as the next big thing! Forced to watch hours of video of yesterdays rockers, most likely shocked at the things they were witnessing. “Mom, dad, were those girls showing their breasts?,” asks youngest Nick. “Why yes, son, the display of breasts is common at a rock ‘n roll show, the objectification of women is something we hope to change about rock concerts.” These kids have no idea what rock ‘n roll is all about! Correct me if I’m wrong, but rock is about pulling yourself up by the bootstraps, cutting your teeth in dive and strip bars, hassling with some ass-hole manager about revenue. After shows, a real rocker has a threesome with strippers, drinking Jack Daniels until sunup. As far as I’m concerned these brats are doing it backwards. They can be role-model Christian dudes after their big post-rehab comeback when their 45-years-old. In their teens and twenties, they need to wreck cars, destroy hotel rooms and generally be a menace to society. I have utter contempt for this squeaky-clean image being sold as rock ‘n roll. Rock ‘n roll by definition is the rejection of establishment; it’s about getting your first tattoo or venerial disease. Rock ‘n roll love songs are best embodied by the Guns ‘n Roses favorite “I Used to Love Her,”(…but I had to kill her!) When I hear this 18 year-old singing “tell me that you love me,” it literally makes my body heave. Kids don’t know anything about love! A rock ‘n roll band’s early albums have to be about hating your parents, losing your virginity or “smokin’ in the boy’s room.” The only silver-spoon a rock star should have any knowledge of is the one he cooks his heroin in! And as a rule, you can’t have a ballad until you are at least 25 and been divorced from a minimum of 2 super-models.
I bet some people would argue that a clean image is a good thing and that rock gods as role models is okay…IT ISN’T! I’m with the stereotypical 1950’s Baptist preacher when I say, rock ‘n roll is a bad influence on kids! It is supposed to be. Parent’s, do not, I repeat, do not allow your children to be exposed to rock ‘n roll until they are old enough to handle it and realize that all the excess and decadence, while cool, would most-likely ruin their life and may someday ruin that of the rock star they idolize. If your kid can’t handle that, let them listen to Taylor Swift and High School Musical tunes, they aren’t ready for rock ‘n roll. Don’t lie to your child and tell them that the Jonas Brother are rockers…they’re not. They’re a glorified boy-band that has no idea about the immoral responsibility that comes with being a rock star! Rock ‘n roll isn’t for 10-year old girls, it’s for 10 girls at the same time!
So that’s how I really feel about the Jonas Brothers. I know most of you are shocked to hear this from a parent, but like I said, rock ‘n roll ain’t for kids. My daughter will be eased into rock by her loving father; the trials and tribulations of a rock star such as the Stone Temple Pilot’s, Scott Weiland, will make a great bed time story. If you want to keep your kids clean, slowly expose them to the stories of great men ruined by the rock star lifestyle, not to a boy-band of Poseurific proportions! Once you’ve lost your credibility with your kids, you’ve lost it for good.